--Every time I'm in a bar some reindeer picks a fight.
--I swear I heard those sleigh bells ring-ting-ting-a-ling right before that Molotov Cocktail came through the window.
--Frosty joined a different bowling league.
--The last time I was abducted by aliens, that anal probe looked a whole lot like a candy cane.
--I don't have a chimney so that fat jerk just punched a hole right through my wall, ate all my macaroons, and only left what I wish was a rock in my stocking.
--My inbox is bogged down with Hanukkah and Kwanzaa spam.
--"Miracle On 34th Street," my ass. I was eating through a tube until Easter.
--During particularly intense corporal punishment sessions, my elf fiancé keeps "forgetting" the safe word.