You Want Me To Co-Host The July 4 Parade? Okay, then I want...
--A cougar
--I get to drive around in a Shriners car for two weeks
--10 minutes in the Party Box with Phyllis Diller
--Pants entirely optional
--Maybe I can help the cheerleaders do some stretching?
--I don’t have to sober up
--America is how old? Okay, I get one pound of pimento loaf for
every birthday.
--I get to shoot a guy
--I want my records purged and I want to be reinstated to the Hacienda Heights Republican Women’s Auxiliary
--Miss Maryanne has to bring the Doobees
--A Rose Parade float in my likeness
--The Industry cops have to stop beating me up
--My mom gets out of Gitmo
--Stimson and Halliburton is official renamed “Marty’s Corner” for three hours
--I get to keep all the duds from the La Puente July 4th Fireworks show
--I want to pretend that I’m flying
--I ride a stage coach with William Shatner
--Wham gets back together and plays a totally swank party at my
brother's house
--I want to have James Garner’s baby… you know what I mean
--Sell Texas to the United Arab Emirates
--A clean colostomy bag
--A pretty ice sculpture
--I'm on the August cover of Playboy as one of the 25 sex stars of 2006
--My portrait painted by Coco the Gorilla
--Everyone calls me Pancho
--I get to throw beads at the women
--Julia Roberts has to give me 10 bucks
--Taco Bell names a tostada after me
