Rejected list # 271: Your child is having an affair with his teacher

--When asked where he went on his last field trip he says, "Motel This-Many"
--Someone has added "Contraceptive Spongebobs" to the grocery list.
--Says he has to stay after class to "matriculate"
--Drunken 2:00 AM phonecalls asking if Timmy can "bang the erasers"
--He pines for the days when teachers could spank students
--His biology test has a note that says, "We both got an A on that one."
--He's always saying things like, "I've been boning up on my Shakespeare." (sorry about that one, Will)
--He's doing an oral report on the Kama Sutra
--Never gets sent to the office. But his teacher insists your child "is a naughty, dirty little boy!"
--Requests edible Underoos be packed with his lunch
--No matter how much he studies, he always seems to score 69 on his tests

Priceless list people didn't find funny: I Won't Invite Captain Ahab To Thanksgiving Dinner Again

--He harpooned my aunt
--He ate all the white meat
--The family beaver kept gnawing on his leg
--When paying into the football pool, he suddenly had nothing but doubloons
--He smelled like squid
--He complained about being seated next to Cap'n Crunch.
--He really sucked at the three legged race
--He woudn't help with the dishes because the kitchen isn't on the starboard side
--He put his elbows on the table
--After too many belts of cheap swill, he offered to show everyone his blowhole
--He slurps his mashed potatoes with a straw
--He wouldn't stop griping that he should be getting residuals from Starbucks
--All night long he was swearing at the fish tank
--He thinks it's funny when he says, "I gotta take a Pequod."
--He calls everyone Ishmael

Rejected List #719: I'm Talking About My Car, I Swear

--She looks better with a fresh coat of wax.
--My brother drives her when I'm out of town.
--I wish I'd gone with a Japanese model.
--There's ugly black smoke coming out of her tailpipe.
--She didn't look that big in the show room.
--Sure wish I'd gotten the compact model.
--I keep her well lubed and she treats me right.
--There's a really bad smell in the back seat.
--Ever since she broke her head gasket she leaks fluids all over the place.
--It's tough to work on her with this old set of tools.
--Her trunk is full of spare parts.
--I once got caught having sex in her back seat.
--Cold mornings I gotta scrape the frost off her.
--One time the neighbor kids took her for a joy ride.
--I need to polish her bumpers this weekend.
--You know, a little peanut butter will take that stain right out.
--She can fit two full grown men in her trunk.
--What can I say? I love the feel of a good, long stick shift.
--I'd rather have a horse.
--Those are stock headlights, I swear.
--I keep spare change in her ashtray.
--My parents bought her for me.

Rejected List #1009: Overheard Backstage At The Marty's Corner 14th Anniversary Gala Awards (at Marty's Condo)

--Wow! Exactly how many monkeys does Marty need?
--Quick! I need a six pack of Vaseline and a spatula!
--Is that cheese?
--Whose stain is this?
--Do my pants smell?
--Why does Marty have rubber sheets?
--Hey, has anyone seen the giant inflatable squirrel?
--Mommy!
--Seriously, is that cheese?
--Excuse me, miss, can you put your finger in here.
--Is that Crazy Mike's head in the freezer?
--Why does Leo keep offering me gazpacho?
--Are you gonna finish that tapioca?
--Why is the rug damp?
--Unless you like seeing sheets of human skin, don't look in that room.
--My god, this show sucks!
--I saw Tony's peepee.
--I saw Jerry's peepee and now I want to die
--You'd think that after 14 years he'd have a clue about how to do a show.
--Yeah, of course I killed Nicole Simpson
--Miss, can you get your fist out of there, please
--You wanna shoot yourself too?
--John is just using Marty's Corner as a stepping stone to Trading Spaces
--If anyone offers to show you his naked vampire pictures... well, it's too late already
--Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil.
--Is that smell natural?
--If you get Marty tipsy, he'll show you his Star Jones tattoo.
--Has anyone seen my dignity?
--Patrick keeps aiming the camera up my skirt.
--My eyes! My eyes!
--Does this look like scabies?
--I shaved my butt for the show.
--I am fond of the work of Borges though generally I prefer my meta-fiction, or some would say Post-Modernism, in the style of, say, a Donald Barthelme or a Thomas Pynchon. Also, I like to sandpaper my nipples.
--This place has more health code violations than KFC.
--Quick, throw the holy water on him!
--Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum.
--As a matter of fact I would like a knuckle sandwich
--Now, THAT is a lot of bacon.
--Satan? Is that you?
--Governor Schwarzenegger, please stop groping the guests.
--You may want to stay out of the can for a while.

Rejected List # 388: Indications Your New Girlfriend Has Done Hard Time

--Her toothbrush doubles as a shiv
--Lots of jumpsuits. Never skydives.
--She had her toilet moved to the middle of living room
--Insists dinner be served through mail slot
--Sex costs two packs of smokes
--Will only converse through plate glass window
--Refers to dates as conjugal visits
--Has a full body cavity search fetish
--She'll only leave home through a secret tunnel
--Keeps all her possessions in a manila envelope
--Has a freezer full of human heads
--Changed her middle name to 55689256
--Refers to going to bed as "lockdown"
--She's always critiquing the craftsmanship of license plates
--Has Tawny Kitaen's private phone number
--Refers to housecleaning as "tossing the cell"
--Insists on sleeping on the lower bunk
--She gets a nostalgic look in her eyes whenever she passes a highway work crew.
--Arguments always end with her threatening to lawyer up.
--During sex she keeps calling out, "Give it to me, warden."
--Her "high fashion ankle bracelet" keeps beeping
--She can bench-press 300 pounds
--She keeps mentioning Chino as a vacation destination
--She can't shower unless 30 other women are watching her
--She busts your nose when you try to take a bite off her plate
--Her "cousin" the parole officer is always dropping in uninvited

Rejected List #29: Tony's Demands To Be Met Before Returning to Marty's Corner

--Marty has to continue to buy frilly things for my birthday.
--All band managers subject to full body cavity searches.
--Marty has to stop calling me his "filthy little hairless puppy."
--Marty has to start calling me Big Big Clyde
--My new personal assistant must polish my nipple rings twice a day
--I want a pony. A pretty one. And a kayak.
--Whoever stole my sequined thong, I want it back
--20 minutes of every show will be devoted to me reading my poems about fudge
--Next time we go to Taco Bell, I don't open my wallet
--"Marty's Corner" will now be called "Stinky Boy and Pretty Boy"
--I want Marty to use his influnce to restore order to Iraq
--I like bacon
--The Marty's Corner medical plan needs to cover gerbil-related mishaps
--When I drop the soap in the shower I expect the crew to know what to do
--Julian must stop "accidentally" rubbing against me in the green room.
--Someone else has to shave Marty's back
--No more "crew meetings" in Marty's bed
--I wanna meet Tex Ritter or someone cool like that.
--I want Marty's moustache
--How about more time devoted to snuff?
--Someone has to clean the taco meat out of my underwear
--Marty has to give me a vasectomy live on the air
--If Star Jones ever appears on the show I get to ride her like a kid's party bouncy bouncer
--Leo needs to play more Air Supply
--I get to promote my new product: Tony's Clam Sauce For Men

Rejected List #88: You're A Hardcore Michael Jackson Fan

--You're 45 and still go to Boy Scout meetings
--You drink wine from a sippy cup
--You also find Corey Feldman mysteriously attractive
--You find yourself saying, "I wish he was dangling me out a window"
--You've had more facial reconstruction surgery than... well.... than Michael Jackson
--You spontaneously combust in front of Pepsi Machines
--Everybody thinks you're a wierdo too.
--You blow your personal fortune on defense lawyers
--You've trained your dog to moonwalk
--You have a petting zoo in your bathtub
--Sometimes Macaulay Culkin sleeps over at your house
--People also refer to you as a "Man-child."
--Despite having two children you're also a virgin
--If Michael is convicted you will spend all your time searching for the "real pederasts"
--You named your gearshift "Billie Jean"
--As far as women are concerned, your pants are "Neverland"

This one rejected was not, methinks: Signs Your Shut-In Neighbor Is A Bigger Star Wars Geek Than You

--Natalie Portman is bound and gagged in his basement
--He likes to rub 3 in 1 oil on his C3PO
--His favorite pick up line: "Wanna invite Yoda over for a little spelunking?"
--In High School his foreign language was "Wookiee"
--Amish kids are always kicking his ass
--He's glued cinnamon rolls to the sides of his blow-up doll's head
--Almost went broke marketing his stupid "Ewok" Cookery
--His alternate favorite pick-up line: "You have caused a disturbance in my pants"
--He's hairier than Chewbacca
--He knows R2-D2's g-spot but doesn't know how to unhook a girl's bra
--He's always trying Jedi mind tricks to get you to mow his lawn
--He shares his bedroom with his mom
--When he's sick, he refers to it as having "the Kessell Runs"
--He claims that embarrassing rash is a light saber injury
--Named his dog "Episode VII"
--He's always asking women if they want to see his Tatooine
--Shows up to your Armistice Day Party in full Mandalorian battle armor
--His computer is loaded with Jawa snuff films
--He offers to put your ex-wife into his carbon freezing chamber
--His mom drives him to work but he claims to have a class B Gungan battlewagon license
--For him, having sex was "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away
--Late at night you can hear him moaning, "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only grope."
--His online girlfriend claims he's a "Little light in the Saber"
--He's always whining that Uncle Owen won't let him join the Jedi Academy until after the harvest
--He's obese, has a ponytail and has at least three restraining orders
--Using his Jedi Mind Power he can make a wet spot appear on his pants
--He pimped his TIE Fighter


In the future, we'll make more of an effort to keep this geek-loser content down to a minimum. From now on pure coolness. Further content will be cheerleader-friendly.

Rejected List # 134: How Marty's Corner Will Be Better If We Win An Emmy

--Fart jokes will be 20% more brilliant
--We'll get the scabies cleaned from the guest couch
--Leo and Tony will wear loincloths
--Marty will show less cleavage
--Fewer guests with multiple convictions
--We'll class up the show with even more hilarious Kierkegaard references
--Marty will stop saying, "13 Years Of Sub-Emmy Entertainment"
--Hairless cabana boys at the executive pool
--Marty will hire some funny writers
--Fewer puppets. More busty dudes!
--No more imitation butter in the bathrooms
--Dubs for Marty's posse
--PSAs will be replaced with Marty's celebrity sex tapes
--Marty will upgrade his implants and stuff his shorts with brand-name socks
--We'll bring Dennis Miller on the show. And Marty will shoot him right between the eyes.
--The Marty's Corner Dancers will actually know how to dance

Rejected List #41.4: Reasons Jack Rodriguez Is Retiring From Marty's Corner

--Turns out Frodo dropped the wrong ring into the fire... So, dang it, back to Mount Doom, little buddy!
--Marty's Corner doesn't really fit with his nudist biker lifestyle
--Saturday nights can be better spent trimming toenails and eating corn dogs
--You really can't be a serial killer until you actually go out and do some serial killing
--"Marty's Corner Cameraman" isn't the babe magnet he thought it would be
--He wants to spend more time making waffles
--Soon to be appearing at the Bellagio: "Siegfried and Jack"
--He's tired of being surrounded by Marty's crackers
--It's time to go back to being Vanilla Ice
--His thrash metal band, Jackhammer, is going on tour
--His killer-for-hire business is really picking up. It's like the Reagan era all over again
--He's going to make a fortune selling a line of Insane Clown Posse fragrances
--He's tired of Marty asking him to bring us little surprises hidden in his moustache

The lists

For your viewing pleasure (and your insincere attempts at outrage), I'll be jamming this space with some rejected lists from the past.

Dirty words will be removed mostly to protect Marty (I have nothing to protect). Marty is, after all, the pinnacle of goodness and would never say naughty words. I am learnin' him goodly.

Rejected List #6802: Reasons Your Mommy Should Not Be Kissing Santa Claus

--He has 2000 years of cookies caked onto his teeth
--After the second kiss, all the kids get locked in the closet
--Isn't that grandpa in that outfit?
--Last time she kissed him you got your jolly brother Dennis
--He smells like reindeer
--The Easter Bunny gets jealous
--He's got a scorching case of North Pole herpes
--Every time she sleeps with a fat man, he has a heart attack and dies
--Once you've had Santa, you never go back.
--She's not just kissing Santa, she's kissing every elf he's kissed too
--His stubble causes a rash on her thighs

Rejected List #216: Mistakes I Made On Valentine's Day, According To My Girlfriend

--In lieu of giving flowers I shaved a rose into my back hair
--I forgot to refrigerate the bouquet of bacon
--I proposed to her in the drive-thru line at Taco Bell
--I faxed her a sexy picture of my pimply butt
--I dressed up like cupid and shot an arrow into her spleen
--I convinced her mom to do a three-way with us
--Instead of giving her flowers I shaved a rose into her back hair
--I cut our romantic dinner short so I could watch Faces Of Death 19
--I gave her the key to my heart. Then I changed the locks.
--While she was napping, I tattooed my name onto her forehead
--I spent more on my oil change than I did on her earrings
--Turns out a real human heart in a box isn't as romantic as you'd think
--Since I was out of town, I made the hooker wear my girlfriend's picture over her face

Another rejected/altered Christmas List: How I Know I'm On Santa's Naughty List

--Every time I'm in a bar some reindeer picks a fight.
--I swear I heard those sleigh bells ring-ting-ting-a-ling right before that Molotov Cocktail came through the window.
--Frosty joined a different bowling league.
--The last time I was abducted by aliens, that anal probe looked a whole lot like a candy cane.
--I don't have a chimney so that fat jerk just punched a hole right through my wall, ate all my macaroons, and only left what I wish was a rock in my stocking.
--My inbox is bogged down with Hanukkah and Kwanzaa spam.
--"Miracle On 34th Street," my ass. I was eating through a tube until Easter.
--During particularly intense corporal punishment sessions, my elf fiancé keeps "forgetting" the safe word.

Rejected List #490: Reasons Martys Corner is still on public television

--Because ugly people need a voice too
--Where else you gonna see square dancing monkeys and schizophrenic mud wrestlers?
--Would you rather your tax dollars paid for this station or hair plugs and skin tenderizer for Arnold?
--Because the networks are too afraid to broadcast me, Marty Shields, shaving a Labrador
--You know who you won’t see on Public Access? Star Jones.
--Your child too stupid or untalented to get on real TV? That’s what Marty's Corner Public is for.
--You won’t see Tony in a thong on ABC.
--The writers strike doesn’t affect us. Our non-union writers work for cigarettes and tube socks
--All the best poop jokes are on Marty's Corner (occasionally on Jeopardy!)
--Marty's moustache intimidates the elderly