Bonus pics from Show #117

Some extra shots for the hardcore Martycorners...

Who's the Lobster Boss? They's the Lobster Boss.

John Garside is a hot stud

Another publishing...

Very cool Flipside Magazine in Park City republished our McSweeney's list. So now we're published on the web and in print.

August 23 lineup

Here's the lineup for Saturday, August 23.

• Comedian Alfred Robles
• Musical Guest: Lobsterboss
• Alec Castillo, Winner of La Habra Music's Guitar Hero Contest
• Belly dancer Anoush
• Some other surprises (though nothing involving full-frontal nudity)

Okay, maybe some full-frontal nudity. But it will probably involve Marty.

The lesson here: Careful what you wish for.

(Many thanks for the music of Sigur Rós)

Whatever happened to...

We were remembering fondly our lovely former co-host Darlene.

If you see her, tell her we all said Hello.

Hello, Darlene.

While you're at it, maybe also give our warm regards to her sister.

We're published

McSweeney's published one of our lists on their fantastic and epic website. We are indeed cool.

LINK

What? You're not published in McSweeney's? That's okay. A few days ago, we weren't. Now we are. You?

You have permission to bask in our glow.

Did you click the LINK ?

At the Marty's Corner Writer's Summit In San Digeo

Although we all wanted to wed the waitress, sadly we're pretty pathetic.
Still, if you know this pretty gal, John would like a chance to use her as a model for his plastic figurines. Please put her in touch with us via martyscornerlive.com

Lollipops will be awarded.

Next show: August 23, 2008

The next Marty's Corner is booked for August 23.

We'd love to have you (you know who you are, don't you?) in the audience.

Seriously, if you're reading this blog right now it's pretty much a guarantee that you don't have anything better to do August 23. Not like something's going to come up either. Don't even bother writing it down in your calendar to prevent you from double-booking. You're not going to double-book.

Maybe it's better if you go down to the studio now and just wait for us to show up on August 23, 2008. Just sit by the door. Every time you see Chris ask him, "When's Marty getting here?"

Dick Cheney allegedly raped my tabby

Whatever, jerkwad.

I normally try to avoid posting things that were probably sent to you by some dork who has nothing better to do than send out little pictures send from other people who have nothing better to do. But, you know, this one means something special to me.

Frank Atencio, 1963-2008

At first I only remembered the good times with Frank, but it didn't take me long to realize I never had any bad times with Frank. He had such a presence in the room that I was guaranteed, at the very least, an interesting time. Many moons ago, he had a melt-down during a band rehearsal that turned into a 10 minute mind-boggling solo, before he dropped his guitar, disappeared for 20 minutes, and then returned to tell Amber, our band's singer, "I don't think it's going to work out with you." (I'd sensed this coming weeks earlier when Amber had left another rehearsal and Frank picked up his guitar to play me a song titled "Amber Hate Me Next.") Most of what I will remember of my time with Frank is the endless laughter, even in the fever of fighting to get jokes for Marty's Corner just right or, long ago, to get those songs a little better.

I so admired his agility with improvisation that I always thought we should never give him a script. Frank was better without a net. I envied his creativity, his ability to turn anything into a joke, to make a song out of thin air, to teach me that I could revive my computer's drive by freezing it and hitting it with a rubber mallet. Frank's mind was elastic, expansive and always running at full speed. Even better, his sense of mischief was a joy to behold. There wasn't an evil bone in Frank's body, but he certainly loved causing trouble and confusion. I still like to think this is another of his jokes, and he's going to appear in a monkey costume and make us all laugh again.

No one dreamed bigger than Frank, and it was those big dreams of his that caused some of biggest and most exciting battles with Marty's Corner. Everything he wanted was about making the show better. It was never about getting it his way; it was about getting it bigger, funnier, better. Ask anyone, and they'll tell you the same thing. Frank was right (well, about 95% of the time).

So, sure, Frank's gone. But somehow I don't think I'll ever have occasion to think he's not with me. That great mind (a truly great mind) burned a path right across ours, and the dreams he had were for all of us (except for… well, you know who you are). No matter how hard we try to stop him, Frank's going to be in there tweaking us in his mischievous, persistent, manic ways forever. Every joke we write, every moment we're doing Marty's Corner, every creative thing we do, we'll have Frank on our shoulders, whispering in our ears, "You can do better than the fart joke." We can try telling him to shut up but it won't do any good. He's just going to keep talking and talking and talking. I'm definitely glad for that. Most of all, I'm honored and proud to have known him.

First shots from Jue 28 show

Marty felt a bit fuzzy after talking to Winston.

Robbie is a superhero. He came in from the desert,
despite wisdom tooth removal. (Of course, because
of the painkillers, this was generally how he saw the world.)

Three cheers for Robbie.

Because our CGI was down, Cathy and Julian
went dinosaur age with our credits.

A conversation with my dentist

"Can you not do that?"
"No, I have to."
"You have to?"
"Yes."
"They taught you one way to do it."
"It's how it's done."
"It hurts."
"I know."
"Do you? I doubt that. I'm not being rude. I'm just saying I bet you take awesome care of your teeth. You've never had to go through what you're doing to me right now. You have no way to empathize. How could you? I mean, kudos to you for having perfect hygiene. But I'm suffering here."
"Open."
"Did I mention about the hurting?"
"You did."
"Nothing you can do?"
"No."
"You can't gas me? A little bit?
"No."
"A shot."
"If you demand it, I can give you a shot."
"Then I demand the shot."
"It'll hurt."

Feline knockoffs

I'm going to execute the first pinhead who posts a cute snapshot of a pet on this blog .

FYI: If you're posting pictures of your puppy sleeping upside down, if a hamster's nose makes your day, if your cat sipping water seems newsworthy to you: it's time to stop pretending you're a productive member of society. It's time to make a call and get a prescription. Try different dosages. Healing takes work. It'll be worth it.

Yeah, my dog was sleeping upsidedown this morning. So? You know what I didn't do? I didn't take a picture of him.

Marty's Corner this Saturday

Saturday, June 28. It will be epic.

Our guests:
Host of the political talk show "Deliver Us From Evil," Winston Smith.
Comedian Harriet Rose
And Musical Guest: Pretty in Stereo!

Come on down. Be a part of the audience. We always have a seat open.

Be there. Get dirty.

Goats hearing voices from Heaven

Floods

Our friends are underwater. Good people could use some help.

http://www.givetoiowa.org/floodfund

Photos from UI News Services

Next show: June 28, 2008

It looks like we're all set for the next Marty's Corner to tape live on June 28 at 8:00.

We're working on a bundle of guests. It will be a grand old time. It's always a grand old time.

Please come down to the studio. Get a seat and make lots of noise.

------------------------------

It's been so long since we graduated from college that when one of the guests said he could send us his "CV" we all began wondering what that might be. Corn village. Choice vampires. Chapped vixen. Charley Varrick (you're a jerk if you've not seen it). Cocksure Vanilla. Can't vote. Chasing Vendela.

Robbie finally explained that CV is basically latin for "résumé." Smart boy, that Robbie.

We're working on a bit where we give people ipecac and then make them watch TV personality disorder Jillian Barberie (America's third favorite non-nude porn star) try to be funny. Not surprisingly our research has shown that most people don't need the substance to induce vomiting; Jillian's voice causes an irritation of the gastric mucosa all on its own. Similar results have been elicited from the voices of Sarah Jessica Parker, everyone on "Gossip Girl," anyone named after a New York burrough, and Dennis Miller (speaking through his undifferentiated genitals).

------------------------------

Why did a guest want to send us his CV? That's what I want to know.

Sponsors?

With the slow and painful demise of public funding for the KCAT studio, Marty's Corner has been in discussions about the possibility of picking up sponsors.

Though we're still not sure what form sponsorships will take, we are currently open to any and all ideas.

If you have ideas, or would like to run your commercial on the show, or if you'd like Marty to be in your commercial, or if you'd like to place your logo on our set... or anything. Car dealers, pet stores, pizza shops, TV repair, jewelry, tires, oil change, you name it. Please let us know.

Contact us through the site.

Rejected list # 271: Your child is having an affair with his teacher

--When asked where he went on his last field trip he says, "Motel This-Many"
--Someone has added "Contraceptive Spongebobs" to the grocery list.
--Says he has to stay after class to "matriculate"
--Drunken 2:00 AM phonecalls asking if Timmy can "bang the erasers"
--He pines for the days when teachers could spank students
--His biology test has a note that says, "We both got an A on that one."
--He's always saying things like, "I've been boning up on my Shakespeare." (sorry about that one, Will)
--He's doing an oral report on the Kama Sutra
--Never gets sent to the office. But his teacher insists your child "is a naughty, dirty little boy!"
--Requests edible Underoos be packed with his lunch
--No matter how much he studies, he always seems to score 69 on his tests

Review: Canon Selphy CP740

Marginal photo quality. Prints run you about 25 cents each. No big deal of a printer.

But I really wanted to gripe about Canon's decision to not include a USB cable.

Here's what they say: "Canon does not package cables with any Canon printers. Our experience is that many printer purchasers are replacing existing printers and therefore already have a cable. Canon allows customers to purchase the cable they need for their computer system and to select a cable length of their preference. This also allows Canon to offer products at a lower price with reduced packaging costs."

This is the same as Ford selling you a car and saying, "Ford does not package tires with any of our automobiles..."

Canon isn't doing us a favor. Canon is making us buy a necessity at whatever Best Buy or WalMart or Staples wants to charge for a 50 cent USB cable.

The lesson here: Don't buy Canon printers. I'll run this by Marty to see if he'll endorse the boycott (he will, unless he's a big wuss).

Oh, and has anyone seen my childhood cat? I found pictures of him recently but I don't remember him looking like that. So my cat disappears in the middle of my formative years, and then someone replaces all the pictures of him with pictures of some other cat.

Go buy 'em

Just do it.

I Am Kloot "Play Moulah Rouge"
Frightened Rabbit "Midnight Organ Fight"
Duke Spirit "Neptune"
William Kotzwinkle "The Bear Went Over the Mountain"
Jim Harrison "The English Major"

I don't care about your alternate recommendations. Or do I?

Hmmmm.






Another thing, kind of embarrassing:
Don't listen to anything robots tell you.

Elias stole my Pop Tarts

Got a call late last night from Elias.
"Wake up. We're going."
"Where?"
"Shut up. You got Pop Tarts?"
"Maybe."
"Whatever, we'll get some."

Then he knocked on my door. The clown was right out front.
"You gonna wear that?"
"No."
"Go, get ready. Where you keep the Tarts?"

I dressed. Back in the kitchen he was playing with the cat food.
"You don't got any Pop Tarts."
"Thought I did."
"You don't."
"You stoned?"
"Not in five years."
"What's up with the--"
"Ready?"
I fell asleep in the car.

I woke to him tapping on the window. He was pumping gas at a 7-11. He showed me a box of Pop Tarts. I rolled down the window.
"You got your Pop Tarts."
"Success!"
"Indeed."
"How long until we get there?"
"You don't know where we're going. Maybe we're already here. You think of that?"
"Where are we?"
"Banning."
"I blew a radiator in Banning once. Bad memories."
"Sorry. Go back to sleep."

I woke to him tapping on the window. We were back at my place. I rolled down the window.
"Did we have a good time?"
"It was okay."
"You went to Banning to buy gas."
"It's not... Just, come on, get out and go back to bed."
"Good idea."
I got out. He handed me the box of Pop Tarts.
"These are yours."
"It's cool. I don't want 'em."
"No, they're yours. I took 'em from your pantry."
"Keep 'em."
"I can't. See you at the show, huh?"

Did you make the cut?

We talked about getting a new 52" LCD TV for the Marty's Corner offices. The quotes we got put the price right around $3000.

John said we could better use that money for cameras and lighting.

Marty thought we could maybe take the cast and crew out for bowling and then to Morton's for a very nice dinner.

I said we could get a couple people killed.

Though we kind of settled on using the money for equipment, we each made a list and compared them.

Father's Day

Hey, kids.

Don't forget about Father's Day this weekend. Make it a nice day for your dad.

For many of you Marty is like a father figure. You watch him on your TV, and he guides you and supports you with his wise and witty words. With that in mind, do consider sending him a Father's Day card. If you want to give him a gift, he likes cash. Small, non-sequential bills in fat stacks.

Max Neptune clip

An exclusive clip available to only you select few with a clue.

Dog Whitewashing, not a Mark Twain tribute

The house painters came by today. I tried to convince them to spray a coat of paint on the dog. You know, a little surprise for the fiance. Painter was dubious.

"Really?"
"Yeah, it'll be hilarious. I'll cover his head. You just spray a light coat everywhere else."
"I think this paint is toxic."
"It's water-base, isn't it?"
"Yeah, but..."
"Water-base isn't toxic. You can drink that stuff. We used to drink it in college for bets."
"Is that... true?"
"Come on. She's gonna be home soon. Just one coat."
"I don't think I should."
"I'd do it but that spray gun looks dangerous."
"If you don't handle it right."
"Come on. He'll look like a cloud with a dog head sticking out of it."
"Cumulus."
"See, you're laughing. You want me to sign something? I'll sign something. That's not a problem."
"Maybe you should."
"You'll do it?"
"If you sign something."
"I said I'd sign something."
"Okay."
"You want me to sign now?"
"Just to be safe."

Gabriel Iglesias 2005

Background Images #6 For Marty's Powerpoint Lecture

MCR2008

Our annual mandatory Marty's Corner retreat is in Pismo Beach this year, despite 2001's misadventures. (Looking forward to statute of limitations to run out on that soon. Right, Julian?)

For this year's trip, expect an exciting couple days of fun and re-education.

Here's the schedule for the weekend.

Friday
3:00PM: Check-in
4:00PM: Settle in
5:00PM: Pre-dinner snacks in Julian's suite.
5:45PM: Hillary Swank-off
6:00PM: Arrive in dining hall
6:15PM: John's introduction, "A Thousand And One Smooches: The First 14 Years"
7:15PM: Marty's lecture, "Invisible Pies: The Essence Of Being On TV"
10:00PM: Dinner is served
10:45PM: Curfew
11:00PM: Bed check
11:30PM: Lights out and tune your radios to 88.7 to pick up the all-night subliminal Marty's Corner motivational broadcast.


Saturday
4:30AM: Meet in front of hotel for 5K run
4:45AM: Continental breakfast (all 5K stragglers not arriving by 4:50 will not be fed)
5:30AM: Leo's morning lecture, "Crime and Rabbits: DJ Motivations In The iPod Era"
7:00AM: Showers
8:00AM: Free time (shuttles will be available to take you to the beach)
8:30AM: Morning session break-out lectures:
---Room A: Jerry will present "Crime and Rabbits: Why Comedy Is 90% Hard Consonants, 10% Gary Coleman"
---Room B: Tony will present "Lozenges, Hand Sanitizer, Chicken Noodle Soup: The Fine Art Of Preparedness"
---Room C: Robbie talks to the dead
11:55AM: Jerry, Tony and Robbie Q&A (Questions provided)
12:00PM: 30 minute lunch break. (Lunch not provided)
12:30PM: Bed check
1:00PM: Afternoon session break-out lectures:
---Room A: John will read from his paper entitled: "Thirsty For Fudge, Inadequate In Fontana"
---Room B: Patrick and Mandy will show vacation photos found in Goodwill stores across the country
---Room C: Chris will demonstrate cat grooming
3:00PM: Jokes about Utah
3:30PM: Tick examination
4:00PM: Marty will select one crew member to be fired
5:00PM: Bed check
5:45PM: Hillary Duff-off
6:00PM: Arrive in dining hall
6:15PM: Poetry slam
6:16PM: Doors close
6:20PM: Private swearing-in ceremony for all new cast and crew members
7:00PM: Cleaning crew arrives
8:00PM: Marty's keynote lecture, "Lost In The Monty Hall: How TV Is Better Than Murder"
10:00PM: Dinner is served (dinner not provided)
10:15PM: Curfew
10:30PM: Bed check
11:00PM: Lights out
11:30PM: Bed check
12:00AM: Bed check

Sunday
4:00AM: Bed check
4:30AM: Meet in front of hotel for 5K run
5:00AM: Continental breakfast
5:15AM: Bed check
6:00AM: Wally and David present their 3-D video tribute to Marty entitled "The Star Spangled Boner: Why Marty Is Three Times Better Than America"
7:30AM: Applause
9:00AM: Marty's Farewell Lecture "Shut Up You Stinking Morons: A Seven Part Free Verse Homily About My Love Of Kittens and Flaying My Enemies"
11:00AM: Final shower
11:45AM: Please check out of your rooms (wipe all fingerprints, please)
12:00PM: Leave all personal belongings in Lecture Room F
12:30PM: 15 minutes to phone family members and loved ones
12:45PM: Pick up your assigned color robe in Lecture Room M
1:00PM: Load onto your assigned bus

Please have your $500 down payment to John or Tony by next Wednesday at 5:00.

As in the past, you must have your own health insurance.

The $2500 fee is refundable only after full review by the Marty's Corner Ethics Committee.

Who's ready for the good times? Marty demands to know.

Priceless list people didn't find funny: I Won't Invite Captain Ahab To Thanksgiving Dinner Again

--He harpooned my aunt
--He ate all the white meat
--The family beaver kept gnawing on his leg
--When paying into the football pool, he suddenly had nothing but doubloons
--He smelled like squid
--He complained about being seated next to Cap'n Crunch.
--He really sucked at the three legged race
--He woudn't help with the dishes because the kitchen isn't on the starboard side
--He put his elbows on the table
--After too many belts of cheap swill, he offered to show everyone his blowhole
--He slurps his mashed potatoes with a straw
--He wouldn't stop griping that he should be getting residuals from Starbucks
--All night long he was swearing at the fish tank
--He thinks it's funny when he says, "I gotta take a Pequod."
--He calls everyone Ishmael

Rejected List #719: I'm Talking About My Car, I Swear

--She looks better with a fresh coat of wax.
--My brother drives her when I'm out of town.
--I wish I'd gone with a Japanese model.
--There's ugly black smoke coming out of her tailpipe.
--She didn't look that big in the show room.
--Sure wish I'd gotten the compact model.
--I keep her well lubed and she treats me right.
--There's a really bad smell in the back seat.
--Ever since she broke her head gasket she leaks fluids all over the place.
--It's tough to work on her with this old set of tools.
--Her trunk is full of spare parts.
--I once got caught having sex in her back seat.
--Cold mornings I gotta scrape the frost off her.
--One time the neighbor kids took her for a joy ride.
--I need to polish her bumpers this weekend.
--You know, a little peanut butter will take that stain right out.
--She can fit two full grown men in her trunk.
--What can I say? I love the feel of a good, long stick shift.
--I'd rather have a horse.
--Those are stock headlights, I swear.
--I keep spare change in her ashtray.
--My parents bought her for me.

The Marty, arms crossed

Rejected List #1009: Overheard Backstage At The Marty's Corner 14th Anniversary Gala Awards (at Marty's Condo)

--Wow! Exactly how many monkeys does Marty need?
--Quick! I need a six pack of Vaseline and a spatula!
--Is that cheese?
--Whose stain is this?
--Do my pants smell?
--Why does Marty have rubber sheets?
--Hey, has anyone seen the giant inflatable squirrel?
--Mommy!
--Seriously, is that cheese?
--Excuse me, miss, can you put your finger in here.
--Is that Crazy Mike's head in the freezer?
--Why does Leo keep offering me gazpacho?
--Are you gonna finish that tapioca?
--Why is the rug damp?
--Unless you like seeing sheets of human skin, don't look in that room.
--My god, this show sucks!
--I saw Tony's peepee.
--I saw Jerry's peepee and now I want to die
--You'd think that after 14 years he'd have a clue about how to do a show.
--Yeah, of course I killed Nicole Simpson
--Miss, can you get your fist out of there, please
--You wanna shoot yourself too?
--John is just using Marty's Corner as a stepping stone to Trading Spaces
--If anyone offers to show you his naked vampire pictures... well, it's too late already
--Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil.
--Is that smell natural?
--If you get Marty tipsy, he'll show you his Star Jones tattoo.
--Has anyone seen my dignity?
--Patrick keeps aiming the camera up my skirt.
--My eyes! My eyes!
--Does this look like scabies?
--I shaved my butt for the show.
--I am fond of the work of Borges though generally I prefer my meta-fiction, or some would say Post-Modernism, in the style of, say, a Donald Barthelme or a Thomas Pynchon. Also, I like to sandpaper my nipples.
--This place has more health code violations than KFC.
--Quick, throw the holy water on him!
--Red Rum. Red Rum. Red Rum.
--As a matter of fact I would like a knuckle sandwich
--Now, THAT is a lot of bacon.
--Satan? Is that you?
--Governor Schwarzenegger, please stop groping the guests.
--You may want to stay out of the can for a while.

Lenny's Vacation

A quick smooch... and just imagine how big the prince will be!

Dialogue for an "adult movie" featuring Marty and Kimberly, the Marty's Corner intern

“Honey, I can’t find the coffee beans.”
“Refrigerator.”
“Really? The frig? Is that safe?"
"It's safe. They aren't explosive beans."
"No, I meant... I thought they were supposed to go in the freezer.”
“No, the freezer is bad for the beans.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“I thought…”
“No, the freezer's the culprit.”
"The frig is fine then?"
"Why don't you just leave 'em on the counter and I'll take care of 'em later."
"After."
"Yeah, after."
"So, should I make the coffee?"
"I'd like some."
"Now?"
"It'll still be hot."
"Oh, there they are. Found 'em. In the frig. Just like you said."

Rejected List # 388: Indications Your New Girlfriend Has Done Hard Time

--Her toothbrush doubles as a shiv
--Lots of jumpsuits. Never skydives.
--She had her toilet moved to the middle of living room
--Insists dinner be served through mail slot
--Sex costs two packs of smokes
--Will only converse through plate glass window
--Refers to dates as conjugal visits
--Has a full body cavity search fetish
--She'll only leave home through a secret tunnel
--Keeps all her possessions in a manila envelope
--Has a freezer full of human heads
--Changed her middle name to 55689256
--Refers to going to bed as "lockdown"
--She's always critiquing the craftsmanship of license plates
--Has Tawny Kitaen's private phone number
--Refers to housecleaning as "tossing the cell"
--Insists on sleeping on the lower bunk
--She gets a nostalgic look in her eyes whenever she passes a highway work crew.
--Arguments always end with her threatening to lawyer up.
--During sex she keeps calling out, "Give it to me, warden."
--Her "high fashion ankle bracelet" keeps beeping
--She can bench-press 300 pounds
--She keeps mentioning Chino as a vacation destination
--She can't shower unless 30 other women are watching her
--She busts your nose when you try to take a bite off her plate
--Her "cousin" the parole officer is always dropping in uninvited

Muse Project 1944

Rejected List #29: Tony's Demands To Be Met Before Returning to Marty's Corner

--Marty has to continue to buy frilly things for my birthday.
--All band managers subject to full body cavity searches.
--Marty has to stop calling me his "filthy little hairless puppy."
--Marty has to start calling me Big Big Clyde
--My new personal assistant must polish my nipple rings twice a day
--I want a pony. A pretty one. And a kayak.
--Whoever stole my sequined thong, I want it back
--20 minutes of every show will be devoted to me reading my poems about fudge
--Next time we go to Taco Bell, I don't open my wallet
--"Marty's Corner" will now be called "Stinky Boy and Pretty Boy"
--I want Marty to use his influnce to restore order to Iraq
--I like bacon
--The Marty's Corner medical plan needs to cover gerbil-related mishaps
--When I drop the soap in the shower I expect the crew to know what to do
--Julian must stop "accidentally" rubbing against me in the green room.
--Someone else has to shave Marty's back
--No more "crew meetings" in Marty's bed
--I wanna meet Tex Ritter or someone cool like that.
--I want Marty's moustache
--How about more time devoted to snuff?
--Someone has to clean the taco meat out of my underwear
--Marty has to give me a vasectomy live on the air
--If Star Jones ever appears on the show I get to ride her like a kid's party bouncy bouncer
--Leo needs to play more Air Supply
--I get to promote my new product: Tony's Clam Sauce For Men

Square Dancin'

Getting Late

Hello to all of you

Those of you who know me well know that I am not computer literate. So this is my first Blog ever. What do folks blog about? Is it a place to express your inner most feelings in a private way for the whole world to see? Doesn't make sense I'm just gonna talk the show is coming up fast as always June 28th. Hopefully we will have sponsors for this program money changes everything. On a more private note I am volunteering at my old Elementary School on Wednesdays. I've been asked to help some 6th graders on a TV News project Next Week we are set to video tape the 15 minute show to be aired on the schools in classroom TV broadcast system

For some reason it makes me feel more about why I first got into TV production a sense of pure volunteerism Does that make sense?

Never forget to give back, never forget to teach

Mr Corner


Happy Birthday Mom 84 Years on June 3rd

Clues To My PIN

Rejected List #88: You're A Hardcore Michael Jackson Fan

--You're 45 and still go to Boy Scout meetings
--You drink wine from a sippy cup
--You also find Corey Feldman mysteriously attractive
--You find yourself saying, "I wish he was dangling me out a window"
--You've had more facial reconstruction surgery than... well.... than Michael Jackson
--You spontaneously combust in front of Pepsi Machines
--Everybody thinks you're a wierdo too.
--You blow your personal fortune on defense lawyers
--You've trained your dog to moonwalk
--You have a petting zoo in your bathtub
--Sometimes Macaulay Culkin sleeps over at your house
--People also refer to you as a "Man-child."
--Despite having two children you're also a virgin
--If Michael is convicted you will spend all your time searching for the "real pederasts"
--You named your gearshift "Billie Jean"
--As far as women are concerned, your pants are "Neverland"